Todays Winning Rant is: Religion (Sure to get me hate mail)

To begin with I consider myself a spiritual person. I would love to be so certain that my way of believing is the alpha and the omega. News Flash I have studied many different religions in some depth and I have to say there seems to be some good points in all of them. So my thought process is I will take the good ideas from all of them and create my own.

Catholics God love the Catholics for so many reasons. No birth control so you can keep making more little catholics sheer genius. Who doesn't love the efficiency of the Sunday service. Walk in, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, sit, stand, sit, kneel , sit, stand, eat a cookie go home. This all happens in 50 minutes so the next service can start on time.

Mormons now there is a smart group of people. you keep a living  prophet around so the church can change when it needs to for "Financial " oops I mean spiritual reasons. You steel the no birth control thing from the catholics you make them sign tithing agreements to keep the funds coming in. You build satellite temples all over so you can do more marriages so you make more Mormons and the circle goes on and on until you take over the world. It is sort of Donny and Marie meets Pinky and The Brain

Lutherans, Catholic light all the pageantry but only half the guilt.

Episcopalians, If the catholics are coke the Episcopalians are Pepsi both sodas are good with enchiladas and allot of people like the taste. The Episcopalians do let the Priests marry I think we can all agree wise choice. Although if the Catholics allowed priest to marry would it be to each other?

Judaism makes the most sense to me and lets face it, worth converting just for the food the extra holidays off. I also like the day of atonement you get all the benefits of 52 confessions over with in one day plus you might even take off a pound or two in the act. A win win as far as I can see. It was the first religion so the Guilt progression goes something like this. The Jews invented the Guilt. The Catholics perfected it. The Mormons are trying to organize it into a team sport.

Buddhists. I am for any religion that has a happy fat guy in comfortable clothes leading them. When was the last time the Buddhist started any S__T . Not an endorsement Just an observation.

Hindus??? Cows, women with multiple arms and jewels on the fore heads......... What the hell, like the clothes and Tandoori chicken so I am in.

Muslims now please don't put a hit out on me.....hmmmmmm. Got it! There is the perfect hook, you kill anyone who does not believe the way you do. Quick efficient and sure to keep the faithful in line, and the unfaithful scared into being faithful.

So my Religion will go something like this. We take all kinds because we want the large numbers. We will even accept the Gays but they have to have children. (We will let them figure out the logistics on that one) (Big party once a year naked dancing, turkey baster problem solved.) We will have confession but you will be critiqued on your confession by Kathy Griffin, Oprah, Simon, and Paula Dean. Hey it's my religion I can have who I want as my panel. then your congregation will vote you off or let you go on until next week. Our services will be held on Tuesdays because that seems to be the night I have the least going on. We will follow most Jewish dietary rituals that means good take out from a Chinese restaurant and deli that deliver in less than an hour is mandatory. Weddings will  be encouraged (and we already have the Gays to cater and decorate) but... our panel will grade and score the weddings like Dancing with the Stars and if your cumulative score is less than 17 your marriage will not be validated and you forfeit all your gifts to the church. One member of the panel will accompany newlyweds on the honeymoon and if it is not entertaining the couple is declared single when they get home and the wedding night video will be played on Americas Funniest Home Videos.

My Religion (to be named later) is a work in progress so feel free to voice your comments, suggestions, or concerns but as the supreme PO BI that's Pope and Rabi I reserve the right to have you killed if at anytime I am unhappy with your comments. If I did not list your religion please send me a comment and I will add it and the appropriate offensive comments to my list.