Religion: The Forgotten Denominations

OK so I got a few comments that I might have left out some of the Major Religions or "I might not have been fair" which translates into I did not offend everyone so let me add to my list.

Penicostals how could I forget them? Shouting dancing pue jumping, speaking in tongues and women with lots of make up and large hats...... Really not all that different from Gay Pride week in Downtown Denver. But both are great fun to watch and anyone that is so happy they throw themselves on the floor and writhe around is OK by me....So in my religion every 4th Tuesday will be the Big Hat Speaking in tongues Tuesday Service.

Jehovah Witness, love these guys except the whole watch tower thing. They really need to get better editors "Boring"! The Jehovah witness is the most optimistic of all religions first they believe that only 144,000 people will go to heaven now that is an exclusive club but here is the really optimistic part none of them living today are that 144,000 and unless one of that 144,000 falls away they have no shot. So they are flying stand  by to Heaven now if you ever done that it is a major leap of faith. They also save a ton of money on Birthdays and Holiday gift giving not to mention windows. Think about it folks Kingdom Halls have no windows and no paid clergy thrift and efficiency. Just a thought maybe they should run for office? Wait they are not allowed.... another thing I admire them for. From this day forward in my religion the no window thing is in so no one sees what we got going on inside (Especially on big had speaking in tongues Tuesday). We will not pay our clergy and only I will get Birthday presents. I know what your thinking not fair but again my religion my rules. Christmas totally in though love the decorations and the music and cookies so feel free to spread goodwill cheer and presents to all you love.

Atheists not sue what to do about you guys while I want my religion to be very inclusive not sure what you people will be bringing to the party but we can take it before the judges Oprah, Kathy Griffin, Simon and Paula Dean to see if your voted in our out because as the PO BI I am far to important to deal with the little stuff.

Thinking it over maybe Oprah not such a good panel judge choice watched part of the show last night after work and haven't seen it in years.. Is it just me or has she gotten a little self important , over confident, and not all that funny anymore. I admit could be my mood but when did she get so to quote my Grandmother "uppity" Now here is the really scary part I probably will get more hate mail for that comment than on dishing all the other religions....Not surprising though she does have more followers than the Catholics and Mormons...

NEWS ALERT: JUDGE JUDY BEAT OPRAH IN RATINGS! I may have to watch and see if we want her on my panel...........OK just watched. love her but what a Biatch! Did I use that correctly? Going to have to veto judge Judy way too bossy. So we have a slot on the panel open I am taking nominations. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Stay tuned for today's rant; Parenting

Todays Winning Rant is: Religion (Sure to get me hate mail)

To begin with I consider myself a spiritual person. I would love to be so certain that my way of believing is the alpha and the omega. News Flash I have studied many different religions in some depth and I have to say there seems to be some good points in all of them. So my thought process is I will take the good ideas from all of them and create my own.

Catholics God love the Catholics for so many reasons. No birth control so you can keep making more little catholics sheer genius. Who doesn't love the efficiency of the Sunday service. Walk in, kneel, stand, sit, kneel, sit, stand, sit, kneel , sit, stand, eat a cookie go home. This all happens in 50 minutes so the next service can start on time.

Mormons now there is a smart group of people. you keep a living  prophet around so the church can change when it needs to for "Financial " oops I mean spiritual reasons. You steel the no birth control thing from the catholics you make them sign tithing agreements to keep the funds coming in. You build satellite temples all over so you can do more marriages so you make more Mormons and the circle goes on and on until you take over the world. It is sort of Donny and Marie meets Pinky and The Brain

Lutherans, Catholic light all the pageantry but only half the guilt.

Episcopalians, If the catholics are coke the Episcopalians are Pepsi both sodas are good with enchiladas and allot of people like the taste. The Episcopalians do let the Priests marry I think we can all agree wise choice. Although if the Catholics allowed priest to marry would it be to each other?

Judaism makes the most sense to me and lets face it, worth converting just for the food the extra holidays off. I also like the day of atonement you get all the benefits of 52 confessions over with in one day plus you might even take off a pound or two in the act. A win win as far as I can see. It was the first religion so the Guilt progression goes something like this. The Jews invented the Guilt. The Catholics perfected it. The Mormons are trying to organize it into a team sport.

Buddhists. I am for any religion that has a happy fat guy in comfortable clothes leading them. When was the last time the Buddhist started any S__T . Not an endorsement Just an observation.

Hindus??? Cows, women with multiple arms and jewels on the fore heads......... What the hell, like the clothes and Tandoori chicken so I am in.

Muslims now please don't put a hit out on me.....hmmmmmm. Got it! There is the perfect hook, you kill anyone who does not believe the way you do. Quick efficient and sure to keep the faithful in line, and the unfaithful scared into being faithful.

So my Religion will go something like this. We take all kinds because we want the large numbers. We will even accept the Gays but they have to have children. (We will let them figure out the logistics on that one) (Big party once a year naked dancing, turkey baster problem solved.) We will have confession but you will be critiqued on your confession by Kathy Griffin, Oprah, Simon, and Paula Dean. Hey it's my religion I can have who I want as my panel. then your congregation will vote you off or let you go on until next week. Our services will be held on Tuesdays because that seems to be the night I have the least going on. We will follow most Jewish dietary rituals that means good take out from a Chinese restaurant and deli that deliver in less than an hour is mandatory. Weddings will  be encouraged (and we already have the Gays to cater and decorate) but... our panel will grade and score the weddings like Dancing with the Stars and if your cumulative score is less than 17 your marriage will not be validated and you forfeit all your gifts to the church. One member of the panel will accompany newlyweds on the honeymoon and if it is not entertaining the couple is declared single when they get home and the wedding night video will be played on Americas Funniest Home Videos.

My Religion (to be named later) is a work in progress so feel free to voice your comments, suggestions, or concerns but as the supreme PO BI that's Pope and Rabi I reserve the right to have you killed if at anytime I am unhappy with your comments. If I did not list your religion please send me a comment and I will add it and the appropriate offensive comments to my list.

Tribute To a Denver Legend

G. William Oakley Now Appearing in an Unlimited Engagement in The Great Beyond

I started to write Bill Oakley now appearing in Heaven but upon reflection knew that Bill would consider that audience too limiting. He wanted everyone entertained, not just the chosen few in Heaven.(Besides the ones in Heaven might not order drinks or laugh hard enough at the really good bits)

I came to Denver the spring before my 21st Birthday. I was young, and being from Albuquerque I thought Denver was the big City. I took a job at the Opera House as a banquet server because I was not old enough to serve in the Lounge yet. My first memories of Bill were of a larger than life, funny, scary, driven and frankly crazy at times character. I did not know if he liked me or hated me for most of my first few months there. Working in the Opera House was truly "the best of times and the worst of times" I would feel the entire range of emotions from pure happiness to despair and every other emotion in between and that was all before the Guests arrived for the "Real" show. I must have liked the roller coaster because I accepted the Job as Dining Room Manager.

I think it was another famous George "George Bernard Shaw" who said the director was little g "god". In Bill Oakleys' universe you were rarely allowed 7 days to create anything and the one day of rest was rehearsal for the other 6. I treasure each and every moment of that time. Peoples frailties, flaws, and short comings are far too easy to point out, while the real genius and hidden talents sometimes slip by unnoticed and under appreciated. Bill had more than his share of everything more talent, more personality, more flaws and yet most everyone who met him or worked for him remembers him vividly. I think Bill would not care as much if you loved him, or if you hated him, but if you would never forget Him. I quickly learned that in Bill's Universe the only unforgivable sin was to not be yourself. Putting on the public show was what we were all about, but in private and behind the scenes the personalities and cast of characters were far more entertaining and interesting. It took pure Genius to assemble the Bizarre yet loveable cast of misfits that was the Opera House.

I believe my second year at the Opera House I was made Operations Manager I have no idea what that job title was but if Bill said I could do the Job I was willing. I began to watch how everything fit together by Bill adding bits,props and people to the Recipe (much like him teaching me how to make Shrimp Etouffe with no list of ingredients or amounts it cam out delicious but I have no idea how it got there). Bill ran his business and created his shows with all of his own ingredients his talent for knowing what is funny, his temper, ( like it or not those temper outbursts supplied the fire that reduced the show recipe to fast, funny and efficient) and his amazing ability to recognize and nurture talent coupled with his inexhaustible hunger for knowledge and trivia kept the show current and fresh.

To begin my third mixed and absurd metaphor ( I am using them because Bill appreciated my bizarre sense of humor and I think he might enjoy my stretching to create and link them). Our Ring or Family Circle which like Frodo Baggin's ring was made of the purest Gold but forged in the "Fires of Hell" it was perfectly imperfect.The "ring" had just the right amounts of talent,drive,ego,determination,fire and shine. It was also designed with a significant amount of flaws to keep the Drama alive and the internal show interesting. You can not have a good show without a backstage Drama. The years have past and many of us have went on to other triumphs, other success, and even other Dreams all together. I hope that whomever reads this will take a moment to consider that none of us would be the people we are today without Bill Oakley and our time together at The Opera House. Bill created his own universe His universe nurtured, molded  and strengthened all of us into the people we are today. Later our Family seemed to Divide into two separate rings and many of my Opera House Family began to reduce "Our Precious Family Ring" to Us and Them. Whom you were depended on where you were sitting at the time. This has been a painful separation of our family and in my humble assessment a very unnecessary one. Bill created his Universe. (As any good Director does)  Bill's Universe created The Opera House. Bill's Opera House provided the Forge, Fire and Mold that "Cast" (pun intended) our Family Ring. (See Bill I finally got all the metaphors linked although the recipe one in the middle needs some work before its ready to go) That Ring was Bill's gift to us all. I can only speak for myself I will treasure and keep that Ring close to my heart. I will never allow it to be tarnished or redesigned into something else it was and is Perfect just the way he created it. My feelings for Bill and Rayda and the Family they so unselfishly gave me is like that Ring infinite, precious and an unending circle of feelings and memories. "History becomes, Myth and myth becomes Legend' Bill always knew he would become a legend. He just assumed it would be for "Knowing what is Funny" not for "jewelry design." “Bill If I work Hard and Touch half as many lives as you did I hope you will hire me again for the "Great Beyond Show" because I never want to miss a Laugh. I also fully expect to be given notes on how I could have made this bit work better. I look forward to them.”

Rayda I have watched admired and loved you always. I am so in awe of the strength, stamina and grace you have always shown. I am thankful for Bill and all that he created but also know without any doubt that there would be no Opera House without Bill Oakley but there would have been no Bill Oakley without Rayda. Thank you so much for helping create and protect that Family Ring. The Ring that Bill and Rayda gave us is safe and in New wonderful hands as we try and pass on the love, talent, work ethic, and fun to others, Our Family Ring will continue to grow.

Bill Oakley Thank you so much for the Laugher, the tears, the frustrations, the tantrums, the stress, the drama, the fun, the directing, and the teaching. It was a great Show! I would gladly see it all over again except this kid you hired all those years ago now has Grandchildren and I am determined to give them as great a show as you gave all of us. "Break a Leg"  as you take "The Bill Oakley Show" on indefinite tour of the Great Beyond. If your reviews up there are half of what they were down here you will run forever . (like CATS only your show is Good!)

take with you my laughs, my love, and my respect

Kory Lock

And So it begins....

I have been thinking about writing a blog for sometime now. I am not particularly smart, not particularly anything except frustrated.

I am a middle aged man living in Colorado and I am constantly amazed at the lack of responsibility we all seem to take for our lives. I personally have made almost every conceivable mistake known to Man (Not to Women for some reason they seem to be smarter). I have broken or at the very least bent most of the commandments, however I have never said "Why Me" to any of the negative things that have happened to me in my life.

MY RANT FOR THE DAY: POLITICS

Election Day is here and I challenge any of you to be honest with yourselves and admit that very little if anything will change no matter whom wins. I identify myself as a Democrat although my particular political leanings are socially liberal and fiscally conservative. Most of us go about our daily lives and participate very little in the process. We may talk with our friends, debate our coworkers, curse at the television screens, post a blog or comment on Face Book but at the end of the day we know deep down that nothing is really going to change. We pat ourselves on the back for voting and  and participating in the democratic process but with a wink and a nod we go to sleep secure in the fact that nothing is really going to change.

I have conservative Republicans, liberal democrats, tea party people, independents, libertarians and a couple of anarcists friends and acquaintances and what I see as the common denominator is that they spend all their time and energy pointing fingers and blaming and no time doing anything to further their beliefs if in fact they even know what their beliefs are.

My democratic friends say George W Bush got us into this, My republican Friends say I can show you it began with Bill Clinton, and so forth and so on all the way back to poor George Washington. The conversation never seems to end with a Verb no action steps its just commentary. (The irony that I am writing a commetary myself has not escaped me. The difference is that I do not fool myself into thinking my vote today will fundementaly change anything.)

What is the answer? I am sure someone somewhere knows the right path. I personally will do the following. Keep voting but never for a party only for a candidate that I personally have done research on. Live modestly and save. Never expect my goverment to supply me with anything beyond the basics. Take responsibilty for teaching my children and grandchildren. Television and Videogames have not done all that great a job so far, Voulunteer some time. Helping others connects us to each other the way no technology can.