I Just needed a hug from my brother Tomorrow marks the 13 "Anniversary" since my brother Kelly's death (murder/suicide??) It has taken me years to deal with the hole in my soul created by the loss of my brother. What I have realized is that the empty spot is there to remind me I hurt so bad because I loved so deep. Kelly Lock "Kel" and I were just one year apart chronologically but growing up it felt to me like we were from different planets. What I liked he hated and vice-verse. I was the outgoing entertaining clown and he was the angry quiet serious one. It was a rare day that went by when we did not fight and a rare week when he did not beat me up. Kelly's anger and violence shielded him from pain and anxiety he felt from being severely learning disabled with dyslexia that went undiagnosed in his childhood. ( My parents sent him to many schools but they never picked up on it and he was simply labeled "Not Trying". Kelly was sandwiched between my beautiful brilliant older sister Kim and his wise cracking incredibly verbal little brother.(Me) Kelly never got the chance to be the baby as I followed so closely behind him. My personality was as big as my mouth and I sucked up attention like a baby vampire. When our father became ill and passed away less than a year before Kelly's own death our relationship changed. We found ourselves loving, appreciating, and being proud of our differences. Kelly once told friends the difference between my brother and me is "you piss me off and I'll kick your ass. You piss my brother off enough and he will kick your ass too but then he will sue you for making him kick your ass". Kelly was the best and the worst of me he loved people without question and would share his last dollar with you even if he didn't know where his next dollar would come from. My brother valued family above all and would take in any distant relation that needed help no matter what it cost him personally or financially. Kelly never lost the ability to be childlike in his enthusiasm and when he laughed it was from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet and he could be heard for blocks. My nephew Justin has his laugh and when I hear him it is bittersweet I can close my eyes and it feels as though my brother is right there with me again. when I open them I see my beloved nephew and his face beaming with the same light and fire that burned in Kelly's heart and I want to laugh and cry simultaneously. My brothers other side was anger and rage sometimes so intense that looking into his eyes I couldn't recognize him. I can only speculate at the cause of this rage but it was real frightening and he tried to control it at times with alcohol and drugs. The moment he regained control he worked so hard to prove to those around him how sorry he was and how much he loved them. These contradictions made my brother that flawed amazing person that was loved by all. Kelly's memorial had more attendance than a United States Senator who had a memorial at the same mortuary earlier in the year. The crowd was so large that they had to pipe the service into the parking lot for overflow. My sister and I later commented that we would be lucky if our family and the pets showed up for us. (Both of us proud and a little jealous that he had touched so many lives.) Kelly you beat me, banged my head on the concrete, gave me stitches in my lip, called me every filthy word you knew and some you made up or just got wrong but I know you loved me deeper than maybe anyone has in my life, You adored your children, your nieces and nephews, animals of all kinds, you worshipped our mother (as we all do) you blindly loved our father when he was cruel and disapproving to you. My heart is so incomplete without you yet somehow bigger for having had you in my life. I cherish every laugh, cry and head bang. My fondest memory and I am crying as I type it. Our father was dieing and Kelly loved him so much that it physically hurt him to be in the hospital room. It was about 2:30 AM I was staying all night and looked up and there was Kelly standing in the doorway and not in the room. "Kelly" I asked "what are you doing it is the middle of the night you work tomorrow?" With tears in his eyes he said "I just needed a hug from my brother"